Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?