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A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
This dude got his own movie?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
the world’s most popular steaming services
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN