Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
So glad we cleared that up
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.