[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
You deplete me
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there