dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?