when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“our sushi is very fresh”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?