Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Oh my God.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
yeah not falling for this one
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT