The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
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Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
we’re dead?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.