I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
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[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Follow me for more life hacks.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Why does laundry happen to good people?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?