Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
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Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.