Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.