[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
me when the borders lift
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.