Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
You Might Also Like
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
how it started vs how it ended
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
🔦🌙👣
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.