Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
You Might Also Like
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
12. I think about this all the damn time
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
They got Raph!
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
That lamp looks PISSED.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect