GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Good morning!