I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Legend 🤣🤣
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.