I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?