A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
You Might Also Like
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs