[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
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Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.