I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Who did it better?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?