Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
You Might Also Like
Sign of the day..
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
sir, my pâté if you please
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125