*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.