my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I like crazy people until they notice me
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’