Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense