*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
🚲+physics = winner
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity