Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
The prophecy is fulfilled
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?