ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017