Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
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Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.