Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
You Might Also Like
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Accurate
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.