It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good