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Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
boat question
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.