Meth is short for Elizameth.
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[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Not today.. 😂
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.