I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
multitasking lunch
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish