Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
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Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane