If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
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I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Make new friends? bro out of what?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick