barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If thereβs karaoke or no karaoke Iβm not going
me: im fine, everythingβs fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My dadβs pet name for my mom is tiger.
Letβs never discuss this again.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: Iβm very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.