Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
You Might Also Like
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?