*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
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I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
guys i’ve cracked the code
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.