It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
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upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Your secret is safeish with me
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.