Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
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Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight