Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
You Might Also Like
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
can’t wait til they legalize outside
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.