90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I have many caverns
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.