My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m listening
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
gentlemen, hear me out
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?