My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
You Might Also Like
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Matt Goss
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.