Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
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I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
What an awful time to have common sense.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.