Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
😂😂
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Lassie, get help!
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN