We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
i wish i could marry a nap
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Same post same
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.