The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
The best shot in the history of golf
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I put the hot in psychotic.
no one likes gloating
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?