I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Did my cat write this
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
🙁
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me