* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Stop sending me this shit.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!